My Journey with Counselling

Over a year ago, I started counselling. It's not the first time I've sought assistance for mental health issues, but it was the first time I'd spoken to a counsellor.

After talking to my GP and being prescribed anti-depressants (citalopram), I was advised to speak to a therapist. The doctor said that although some people have a chemical imbalance and will need to use anti-depressants for a longer period, having someone to talk to can help relieve some of the issues. I had been prescribed anti-depressants in the past, but at that time, I didn't speak to a counsellor, so I was willing to try something new.

Finding a counsellor

I was recommended the Community Counselling Charity (CCC) - now Evolve as a counselling service as they are available for people to self-register. All you have to do is fill in an online form, and someone from the charity will contact you to book an assessment meeting before you are assigned a counsellor for your course. This, to me, was nerve-racking. I'd only talked to people I knew well (parents and other close family members) and my doctor about the issues I was having. I didn't feel 100% comfortable talking to someone new and telling them EVERYTHING I was feeling in a short period. Luckily CCC was great, and I could complete another form to bypass any phone calls. Which meant the first time I spoke to someone 'live', it was the counsellor I was assigned.

How did it work?

As I sought counselling during the coronavirus pandemic, all of my sessions were done over Zoom. This meant that I could be anywhere and still access my sessions. I took sessions at home, at work, and I even had one session sat in my car as that was the only place near to me I could be alone. I found the Zoom calls perfect for me; I was in a familiar environment, and I didn't need to travel anywhere. However, suppose I'd had to travel to an in-person session. In that case, the journey could have been quite difficult for me as I would ponder what the session would bring up and what I wanted to talk about.
In contrast, because I joined the Zoom call just moments before the session, I created a habit for myself, writing out all the things I wanted to talk about the night before a session. This way, I was ready for the session and could bring the notes up just before joining the meeting. This left me to focus on work in the morning before joining the call.

Another benefit of having Zoom calls for counselling was I didn't feel the need to make any 'social commitments' with the counsellor. Instead, I spent my time looking around the room or staring at a wall while talking about things that were bothering me, which made me feel comfortable. I like to think I'm pretty good at reading people's facial expressions and body language. Looking at people while I'm talking can often lead to me stopping mid-sentence if I feel what I am saying is bothering them or not interesting. By looking at the wall rather than my screen, I removed that perceived judgment and focused only on what I thought and felt. It also meant that it was almost like having an external thought talking to me rather than a person when my counsellor was talking.

After each session, I would stay in the room (or car) for a short period, just jotting down what we had discussed in the session and what I wanted my focus to be in the coming week. This gave me something to work on before my next session. My counsellor told me later in the course of sessions that this wasn't necessarily the norm. People often would go away from a session and not think about anything they'd discussed until the next session started. I wanted to commit fully to the experience. Part of that meant checking in with myself at various points in the week to see how I was doing and if I had any additional thoughts/feelings about the last session. All the notes I'd made before and after sessions were put into Roam Research, so I was able to recover them later down the line to review things over and over again. Ultimately, I could have done the same thing in a notebook or using Notes on my phone. Hence, the application itself isn't essential, but the practice was significant for my journey. It also means that I can look back now and see things I was worrying about and check in, even a year later, to see if those things still bother me and, if not, what have I done to make that change.

Committing to the process, even between sessions

For me personally, the sessions weren't enough. I wanted more than 1 hour a week thinking about my mindset and questioning why I displayed certain behaviours or had specific thoughts about things. This led me down the road of becoming borderline obsessive. I spent a lot of my time outside of work, almost studying behaviours and mindset. I watched YouTube videos, read books and sought out articles that could help give me something to look at and analyse whether I agreed or disagreed with it. The section below came from a 'journal' entry on 22nd December 2020 when I watched Ali Abdaal's video "20 Lessons that Improved My Life". The specific section I was writing about was 15. Goals.

• Ali has now concluded that you can be simultaneously setting goals and ignoring goals.
• He says that one part of you is allowed to be happy and accepting of who you are as a person, while another part of you wants to achieve more and strive for something better.
• I buy into this and think it is a brilliant way of summarising my own feelings. I've spent so long thinking that by wanting more and wanting to improve I can't accept who I am in the present when in actual fact I can. I can be free to accept who I am right now while still having goals or ambitions for the future. It makes me realise that I'm on a journey and although I may only be halfway up the hill and I want to be at the top I'm still a lot further ahead than I used to be
• Just thinking/writing this makes me feel a lot less pressure and a lot cooler in the head because I can almost relax on the fact that I am where I am, and that's okay. Still, I can also aim for bigger and greater things and that's okay too.

As you can probably tell from the above, I spent a lot of time listening to others and analysing what it meant for me and how what they said made me feel. You can see that just by watching this 5-minute section of a 27 minute YouTube video, I recognised what another person did, what I currently do and how I may want to change that. Finally, I could see how it makes me feel to have gathered that information and processed it.

I'm not saying this is for everyone; I took a genuine interest in truly understanding myself during this period of my life, and I wanted to run through this process multiple times a day. Still, I realise that isn't for everyone. There isn't a one-size-fits-all way of having counselling; each person's experience will be different, so don't think that because I did it this way, you must also do it this way.

The sessions have ended. Now what?

In total, I had 12 sessions with my counsellor. In reality, I probably could have stopped after 10. I wanted to make sure I didn't regret calling time early on the sessions. This is part of why I became so analytical about my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours; I wanted to explore as much as possible in the time I had. The process took around 4 months in total, from initial enquiry to final session but looking back on it, that time flew by. Now I can't define one session from another; it feels like one continuous conversation. I changed a lot in those 4 months, and I've changed even more since. I'm still a worrier, an overthinker and a people pleaser, but now I don't feel guilty for it. I understand myself enough to know when each of those traits starts to become an issue and how I can resolve it. I have become more confident in myself, more understanding of others and (I like to think) more of a pleasure to be around. I started the journey very irritable. Often, it would take a small thing not going the way I was expecting or someone saying something wrong for my day or week to be ruined, sending me into a spiral of negative thoughts and angry outbursts at the people around me. Now, I can sit with those moments and work through them before I have an outburst.

The most recent occasion of this was earlier this week. I won't go into details, but I was talking with a friend, and some decisions they were making in their life just didn't make sense to me. I could feel myself becoming annoyed at them for not seeing the reasonable solution I had. 18 months ago, I would have exploded and said things that would have jeopardised the friendship, but what I actually did was take a break, process the whole situation from my perspective and theirs, and eventually, I realised that it didn't matter if I didn't like their decisions, the decisions are theirs to make, and I have no say in that at all. I was able to process this enough to be able to message them a little while later, apologising for the way I came across and asking forgiveness for the way I had been. The friendship was saved, and in some ways, the conversation that led on from that apology actually led to a deeper connection and understanding with the person than I originally had. In the space of 18 months, I have gone from being someone who would ruin a friendship to one that can actually make it stronger, just through what I was able to explore through the counselling process and what I have learned since.

Would I recommend counselling?

Yes. I can honestly say that out of all the decisions I have made in my life, completing that enquiry form and sending it off was one of the top 2 or 3. Setting myself on that journey, although scary to begin with, has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I am a completely different person now to the Chris that would be here had I not gone through counselling in a wholly positive way. I know that some people have negative experiences with counselling, but from my experience (the only one I can pass comment on), I would recommend counselling to everyone. Even if you don't think you have any issues to discuss, I can guarantee there is at least one thing that is unconsciously eating away at you.

Based on my experience, I would recommend CCC (now Evolve) to anyone, and I would encourage those who are worried about coming forward to say "I have an issue" to just try and fill in the enquiry form. I was where you were, thinking I didn't need help or I could do it on my own, and while that may be true, it is a whole lot easier when you have someone to talk to who isn't going to judge you or tell you you're being stupid.

If anyone ever needs someone to talk to about this, I am contactable on Instagram or Twitter or via email: chris@thechrismear.com.