The Freedom of Adulthood, and Why it Holds Me Back

Recently I was asked a question that really threw me. I won't go into detail about why the question came up but I was asked "what does being an adult mean to you?" My answer was "being an adult means being able to do whatever you want to do and not needing to answer to anyone. I could hand in my resignation at work, or jump on a plane to the other side of the world, or get in my car and drive for hours and no one would be able to stop me. It would be my decision to make." While giving that answer I felt a small relief going through my body, as though hearing myself saying these words released any pent up anxiety I had over making a decision for myself. And then it stopped. The feeling of relief was replaced with a cons list that was being built in my head. Thoughts like "but what would X person say?", "but what if you get lost?" and "but what would people think of me if I did that?" started circling, getting faster and faster with each second.

As a child I really enjoyed school. I enjoyed learning, but most of all I enjoyed the structure and the processes that school brought. See, when you're at school there's a clear progression; you start in primary school, then go to secondary school, then do your GCSEs, then your A-Levels (at least you do in the UK, sorry Americans!). When you turn 18 you can either go to university and continue the progression ladder set out for you or you can get a job. When I was 18 I left sixth form and went into full time work choosing to leave the progression ladder I was used to.

As an adult the 'progression ladder' is less obvious and is often a lot wider with a lot more options. For me having a clear path or goal is important and comfortable, having lots of options and no one saying which is best makes me anxious. Remember when I said being an adult is about having freedom to make your own choices? But what if you don't like to make your own choices, you want to follow a progression? That's me, I think. Having the possibility to become the person I want to be sounds great but the reality of the situation often feels more a lot more anxiety inducing than you would expect. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I waste my time following something I don't enjoy? What if I fail?

I think that final question is something that many people battle with regularly, but what does failure mean? Am I a failure if I don't get the result I want but enjoy the process or am I a failure if I get an arbitrary result but hate the process? I don't think there's a 'one size fits all' answer to this but I am both interested and dedicated to finding my answer and I encourage everyone else to find theirs.

Freedom of choice, freedom to make mistakes. These two things are very different. Talking from a privileged position (white male living in the UK) I can say that every adult has the freedom of choice, it's almost something you 'acquire' when you turn 18. You can drink, drive, buy a house, get a tattoo, all because of your age. Freedom to make mistakes is something internal. Someone else can't give you the freedom to make mistakes, it's something you have to give yourself, and I think this is what I've been neglecting. Almost every decision I make on a day to day basis is a calculated risk based on percentages. At work, if I think making a decision could be negative for the company, I refer my colleagues to someone higher up the hierarchy (even if the question relates more to my specific area), in my personal life if I think a decision could upset or hurt someone I will put it off until I have no other option, removing the 'choice' and making it a must. Writing this has made me realise that I sound quite cowardly. A fairly common phrase that has started to become popular in the UK is "say it with your chest" which essentially means say it with pride or don't say it at all. This idea is something I came across in The 48 Laws Of Power by Robert Green. Law 28 is "Enter Action With Boldness" and it reads "If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid." There are two stand out points for me in this quote; the first is "Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution", the second is "Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity."

The main reason for not wanting to make a decision is because of fear, fear of it going the wrong way and being held responsible. This fear will show itself as hesitation and doubt, so even if you did end up making the decision you wouldn't fully commit. You wouldn't do it "with boldness". By not fully committing to things you leave gaps for failure to enter and if it does you will remember that in the future, stopping you from making decisions in similar situations.

So often we talk about mistakes as something to be avoided but if you ask anybody to name a time where they remember having a breakthrough when learning something 9 times out of 10 they would have made a mistake fairly soon before the breakthrough. You can't learn by succeeding all the time. You can only learn by making mistakes, recovering and going again. In this quote making mistakes is put across as a given, not a maybe. It doesn't say "If you commit a mistake through audacity..." it says "Any mistakes committed through audacity...". Stop being fearful of mistakes and instead learn to recover from them.

I'm also very interested to hear other people's thoughts and finding other people's answers so if you feel happy to speak to me please feel free to tweet or dm me on twitter (@TheChrisMear).

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