All you have to do is show your work!

Everyone does something for a reason. As Dr Edith Eger says "every behaviour satisfies a need" and I find that for me a lot of my 'needs' are things I want in the future or goals. But what if we are working towards the wrong goal or if the map we are using to guide us is being held the wrong way? Well, the other day I managed to reorientate my map.

Starting the journey

Since the first UK lockdown, due to coronavirus, in March 2020 I have been walking, running and cycling much more than I ever have before. To begin with, it was to fill time in my day and give me a reason to get out of bed while I was on furlough. It was also pretty much the only time I could spend out of my home and garden. I started walking and stayed fairly consistent with it too but I felt like it was taking "too long". I didn't want to be out walking, it felt like a chore, something I had to do rather than wanting to be out in the fresh air and sun. For this reason, walking progressed to jogging, I figured I could go the same distance but in less time and as a secondary benefit I would be fitter, faster. What I didn't count on is how boring and hard on the brain/mind jogging is for me. I don't enjoy it, it seems too much like hard work and in the end, I dreaded going out each day so I stopped and went back to walking, but less frequently, and occasionally going on bike rides with mates (socially distanced of course). After going back to work and the nights drawing in I stopped going for walks and bike rides. After Christmas, I decided that I wanted to set some New Year Resolutions and Goals that I could work on throughout 2021 and be more intentional about how I live my life, one of those goals was to do at least 20 minutes of exercise each day. As I way to accomplish that I started walking again, going back to the same route I had followed from March to July which lasted about 50 minutes, but I haven't been going each day. The way I see it the days I don't go for a walk just bring the average time per day closer to the 20-minute arbitrary goal I set for myself. Each time I went for a walk I would start a workout on my Apple Watch and at the end of each walk, I would review my time and either be filled with excitement when I had set a new PB or a little bit disappointed if I was slower than before. I found that on the walks I would become frustrated if someone was in front of me walking slightly slower because it meant I would have to divert around them, potentially affecting my time. The only thing that made these walks enjoyable was listening to podcasts. That was until Monday 11th January 2021.

That fateful Monday

I woke up feeling particularly drained and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I held on in bed as long as I could hoping that time would stop before I needed to get ready for work but as time kept moving I dragged myself out of bed to the bathroom to get ready. At work things didn't improve, it wasn't that anything went wrong I guess it "just wasn't my day" or I'd "gout out bed on the wrong side". When I returned home at the end of the day I was in no mood for communicating, I gave Mum a brief grunt in answer to "did you have a nice day?" and carried myself upstairs for a bath. At dinner, this mood continued and still I felt unable to communicate with anyone, just hoping time would move faster so I could go to bed and wait for tomorrow to come. After dinner, I was sat watching the TV when I suddenly had a burst of enthusiasm to go for a walk. Without hesitation I got up, went upstairs and got changed into some warm clothes, put my trainers and coat on and left, I knew that any time spent procrastinating would probably lead to me changing my mind or thinking "maybe tomorrow". I did as I always did and started a workout on my phone and off I went striding down the road in another attempt to beat my PB.

The walk itself

My podcast choice for this walk was Not Overthinking - How can we optimise for a meaningful life? Normally this podcast is engaging for me but I struggled to connect with this episode which left me with my mind wandering every so often. I was about halfway through my walk when I realised just how "at peace" I was. I had a real sense of contentment, almost like I hadn't experienced for a long time, and the weirdest part is I was alone with my thoughts. I normally talk about these moments as being "dangerous" because often my thoughts can end up becoming existential or dark when I sit and think for too long but in this case, it was quite refreshing. Looking back I can't begin to remember what it was I was thinking about, normally I think in front of a computer and note down anything interesting or peculiar and review it at a later date but on this night I was quite content and happy thinking, not making notes, just thinking. Once I began to notice the feeling of contentment I slowed down, both mentally and literally, I walked slower. I ended up using the podcast as background noise for my thoughts (mainly because I hate silence) and continued walking. As I was nearing the end of my walk I felt a sense of sorrow, like you would get on the last day of a holiday, that soon I would be back at home, not walking anymore. I started to rack my brain for routes I could divert on to making the walk longer and longer but in the end, I realised there were certain things I wanted to do at home that wouldn't get done if I started diverting my route, I'm not sure I would have stopped.

The aftermath

As I walked in the door at home I stopped the workout on my watch but immediately lowered my wrist not even thinking to check my time. I took my shoes and coat off and went into the living room where Mum was watching the TV. I engaged in a conversation straight away (something that seemed impossible only an hour ago) and then headed up to my room to complete the tasks I'd come home for with a sense of vigour about me. My mood had completely changed in the hour I had been out walking. It's not news to me that physical activity can improve your mental health if you Google "exercise mental health benefits" you return about 290,000,000 results with nearly 2,500,000 scholarly articles, but this was more. This feeling was more than exercise alone, I felt like I had broken through a glass ceiling. I had replaced my goal of beating my PB with an enjoyable process where it didn't matter what time I achieved or how far I'd gone for I had found something greater, I'd found a sense of meaning in something as simple as walking. I wrote in Roam Research:

"Typically I think about taking time sat down, normally in front of a computer, thinking and jotting down my thoughts. This was completely different: I wasn't worried about making notes, I just wanted to explore my thoughts. The downsides to this are A) I didn't pay attention to the podcast but I wasn't that interested in it anyway and B) I don't remember what I was thinking, but I do know that I felt a lot clearer (and happier) after the walk than before it. When I came home from work I was miserable, I could quite easily have walked in the house, gone in my room and not left until tomorrow morning. Instead, I had a bath, got changed, had some dinner, went for a walk and found myself to wanting to engage with my Mum and have a conversation."

The key point in this for me is "I wasn't worried about making notes, I just wanted to explore my thoughts". This is brand new to me. I couldn't tell you the last time I felt comfortable enough to "explore my thoughts". It felt like a breakthrough. I was enjoying the process, and for someone who enjoys working towards a target or goal so much that's also new, and I want to do it more.

Have you ever had a breakthrough like this where it changes your mindset on something completely? I want to hear what things have had that effect on people, so feel free to tweet/dm me with your stories.

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Photo by Nijwam Swargiary on Unsplash