Mindset

The Words We Use and How They Speak to Us

Chris Mear

21 Jan 2021 — 8 min read

Language and words are interesting things to think about. We use them every day, all of us. Whether your language is English, French, Spanish, Urdu, sign language (or any others) the chances are you think about how what you say affects the people you are communicating with. But being honest, how many times have you ever thought about how the way you use language affects you? In the past 12 months (particularly the last 3 months) I have become more acutely aware of the language I use each day and how that may affect my thoughts and feelings. A lot of the examples below are very subtle and don't explicitly give you a message, but when they occur multiple times a day they can become damaging. I wanted to share what I had learned and see if you have any other examples that you've noticed.

Mental Health

I'm giving you a trigger warning for this paragraph as I will be discussing self-harm and suicide if you feel that reading this could affect you badly please skip to Needs and Wants.

The first time I really questioned the language we, as a collective society, use was during a Mental Health First Aider Course I attended to support my role as a Scout Leader. This course was really interesting for lots of different reasons but one of the things that really stuck with me was our conversation about suicide and self-harming and the stigma we see in our society. We were asked to come out with some words and phrases that we often associate with self-harming and suicide, one of the first phrases was "committing suicide". Just think about that... Committing Suicide. In what other terms would we use the word 'committing'? Murder, fraud, arson? In fact, almost any crime can be put after committing and it would be thought as correct. So why would we also use this word with something as heartbreaking as suicide? "He committed suicide" sounds to me like "he was guilty of ending his own life". No wonder there is a stigma around talking about it, by having it sound like a crime the only way you can admit to having suicidal thoughts or ideations is by "confessing". After a discussion, we determined that "ended their life" was a less accusing way of addressing suicide.

Another phrase that was brought up was "attempted suicide". If you think about attempting something, say a new skill move in football or running a marathon, we typically see two end results: success or failure. You either succeeded at the skill move or you failed, you either completed the marathon and 'accomplished something' or you couldn't finish and so are 'disappointed'. What a horrible way to describe something like suicide. Think about what those words must mean to someone who is having suicidal thoughts or has had them and they have made actions to end their life. To hear or see "attempted suicide" or "a failed attempt" when they are already in a fragile place, that must be unbearable.

If you, or someone you know, is having a difficult time and needs someone to talk to then my DMs on Twitter are always open for a chat, and if further help/advice is needed there are some links at the bottom of this article that can help.

Needs and Wants

There are only a handful of things that a person truly needs. Air, food, water, sleep and protection (shelter). Everything else is unnecessary, everything else is what we want. I'm not saying to go and build a den in the forest and live off the fruit of the land alone but what I am saying is think about all the times you use the phrase "I need...". I need a new phone, I need some new shoes, I need to do this today. None of those things are true (unless you're saying you need to breathe, in which case by saying it you're doing it so you're probably fine). Instead of saying "I need..." I recommend, just for a day (or a week) to try and say "I want..." to talk about anything other than air, food, water, sleep or protection (shelter). I have been trying this for the last few weeks and I've found that I am a lot less stressed about the things I am talking about, and the people around me have more of an understanding to priorities. The best example of this is when I’m asked to do something for someone else. I can respond to a request with "okay, I can help with that but, I want to get them finished first", that in itself is much more relaxing than "okay, I can help with that but, I need to finish this first." Although only a single word has changed the emphasis has completely changed from being something forced on you "I need to do this", to being a conscious decision "I want to do this". That small piece of ownership over the task feels massive when it comes to actually work on it. It feels like it's yours, and you're choosing to do it, not someone else's that they're forcing you to do.

The same concept can be taken to phrases like "I'm good at..." and "I'm bad at..". This idea comes from Atomic Habits, a book by James Clear. James says "your behaviours are usually a reflection of your identity. What you do is an indication of the type of person you believe you are - either consciously or non-consciously." Essentially by saying you're bad at something repeatedly you begin to hold that as part of your identity. For example, for years I have said "I'm always late" and now that has become my 'thing'. It's what people expect, so for me to do any different (arrive early) shocks people. I have singlehandedly caused myself to be late to hundreds of occasions just because I have said "I'm always late" often enough. Don't think this can only be a negative thing, you can use it positively to inspire change. If you have a goal you should think about what behaviours would get you there and focus on them. For example, rather than thinking "I want to run a marathon" think (and say) "I want to become a runner." By addressing it in a way that involves taking on running as part of your identity, "I am a runner", you are reinforcing the actions to one day running a marathon. So rather than saying "I'm bad at playing the guitar" or "music isn't for me" instead say "I want to become a musician." Imprinting that on your identity will push you towards the actions.

What do you tell yourself that has become part of your identity? Who would you like to become?

'Should' we say 'Normal', or 'Could' we say something else?

These three words have been a massive wake up call to me. The most frequent time I use the word 'normal' is when I'm talking about other people my age and comparing myself to them. So many times in the past few years have I sat and thought "normal guys my age are going on lad's holidays", "normal people my age are going off exploring the world". There are three things about these phrases that I now see as problematic, the first is that by defining the "guys going on lad's holidays" and the "people exploring the world" as normal I am therefore defining myself as abnormal, which in this context is a negative connotation. The second is that the only person making this judgement is me, I'm deciding who is 'normal' and who isn't and a lot of the time it was based on tv shows or social media showing people in their late teens and early twenties going to Ibiza and Marbella clubbing every night, no one shows the story of the 21-year-old working hard at his (or her) job and being a good friend or citizen going on British seaside holidays or sightseeing abroad. The third problem with these statements is they remove the thought of what I want. In the examples given I felt out of place or as an outsider because I felt like I should (another problem word) want to go and do those things but at the time I just wanted to focus on my work and the hobbies I had in my community, and who is to say that's right or wrong? At no point did it cross my mind to think "a lot of people my age go off exploring the world because that's what they want to do right now, but I'm quite happy being here, doing what I'm doing." Fortunately I can see that now and I've gone flip side on one of them, I do want to go exploring now. Not because I feel like I 'should' be going but because I want to go. That's a really positive mindset shift for me.

Should is another word just like normal. I was using should as a defence mechanism for some time. I was recently asked how I felt about something (the details don't matter for the purpose of the anecdote) and I answered: "well I should be happy but actually I'm upset and a little envious." In my mind, I was defending the kind and well thought of person that I thought I had the reputation as while still being able to give my true feelings as if I wasn't allowed to feel that way. The person who asked the question then asked: "who says you should feel that way?" This one was a lot more difficult, who was coming up with these rules as to what I can and can't say or feel? It was me, I was creating these rules to try and protect my identity and maintain a certain personality and reputation. After some reflection, I realised that I would prefer to be seen as honest and true to myself even if occasionally envious of others rather than hiding myself away behind a facade.

Could is a great word, from my perspective. It's good to use in place of 'should'. For example "I should be going off sightseeing" can be changed to "I could be going off sightseeing." Again it is a very subtle change in language and emphasis but it can be powerful. Much like the example of using 'want' instead of 'need', 'could' allows you to take ownership. Rather than feeling compelled to do something because; you feel you 'should' you instead have a decision to make. I 'could' be doing this or I could carry on with what I am doing. You're making a decision rather than just sitting with these arbitrary rules you have created for yourself. You're offering yourself the freedom to choose rather than being pinned down by expectation.

Good Luck, Bad Luck, Maybe

There is a fantastic story of an old farmer that I will leave you with. It's a great read and truly makes you think differently about how things can be seen as both good and bad depending on the perspective.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbours came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbours exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbours again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbours congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "Maybe," said the farmer.